“This is the happiest story in the world with the saddest ending.” - Elizabeth McCracken
For weeks I have been debating about whether to share this or not, but I really do want to honour and acknowledge the short but precious life of our daughter. I also want to share our experience, in case any of our friends ever go through something similar, as it is not something that is often shared about, despite how commonly a situation like this occurs
Our baby had a rare severe disease which was incompatible with life, and at 20 weeks and 4 days gestation, at 1:44am on Wednesday 11th March 2020, Juniper Alice was born sleeping
Juniper Alice was born sleeping
My heart filled with love as the midwife handed our baby to me and told me she was a girl. She was 282g and measured 23.5cm long. Her dad had suggested the name Juniper, and I fell in love with its meaning - “evergreen” or “young”. Just perfect for our darling Juni girl who will always remain ever young, and evergreen in our hearts
We marvelled at our daughter’s outward perfection - her tiny hands and feet, and her beautiful face. Psalm 139 in the Bible talks about how God makes us fearfully and wonderfully, and I felt I understood this concept more fully in that moment
Our beautiful baby girl’s due date is soon approaching, and was to be 25th July 2020
As this date approaches, there are frequent moments where the grief hits hard and all I can do is ask why - what was the point of it all
I now know the point was that I still got to grow and carry and love our precious daughter
But they are hard feelings to carry, and it has been a tough few months since then
I don’t share all this for sympathy
As I wrote earlier, I wanted to share our story, firstly to honour the life and death of our daughter, Juniper Alice. Her story deserves to be told. I also wanted to share our experience, in case any of our friends ever go through something similar in the future
When we found out our daughter wasn’t going to survive, I knew only one other couple who had been through a similar situation to us. My friend had shared her story on social media a number of years ago. I remember reading it at the time, but not fully able to empathise; how could I? But because she shared her story those years ago, I had someone to reach out to, and was able to wrestle through the grief with someone who had been through it before me. I hope none of my friends or family have to go through what we are going through, but if anyone ever does, I want them to reach out and seek support—it is so important to have someone who can be there for them the way my friend was for us
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my daughter
In fact, my thoughts wander to her all throughout the days and nights
I would have done anything to save our precious daughter
She is the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep at night
Some weeks are better than others
I remember reading someone describe the experience of grief is like floating in an ocean. Some days the water is calm and I can easily keep my head above water. Other days the grief is like a wave which comes out of nowhere and hits you hard from behind, pushing you under
It is like learning to swim again
A few final thoughts on grief
My heart skips a beat whenever someone mentions Juniper’s name
I think people worry they will upset a bereaved parent by mentioning their child
Please know, by saying my daughter’s name, or asking me about her, you will not upset me; I have not forgotten that she is gone
The thought that upsets and terrifies me the most, is the thought that she may be forgotten by everyone else
I may cry when I talk about her, but please know I am okay with my tears, they are just an expression of my deep love for and the pain of losing my daughter, after all
So please ask about my daughter, I would love to honour her and keep her memory alive by telling you about her or even showing you a beautiful photograph of her, if you would like to see
We are not normal parents
but we still are parents
and the deep love we have for our daughter
will always remain
Dr Anonymous
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